Marie's Story

Marie experienced ongoing physical and verbal abuse both as a child and as an adult.

Can you describe who your abuser was and how the abuse began?

I grew up in a household full of violence - my father abused my mother and me. I married as a teen just to get out of the house and experienced violence with my ex also.

Can you share more of your story, if you are comfortable?

Whenever people say that they wish they could be kids again, I can't connect with that because I would never want to relive my childhood. My earliest childhood memories are of being between 4 and 5 and being picked up by the throat and thrown across the room like a rag doll by my father, seeing my father whip my mother across her back with an electrical cord and similar.

As I got older the abuse got worse. By the time I was a teenager, he would punch me as if I was a grown man, beat me black and blue, choke and kick me down stairs. The one time my mother intervened and pulled him off of me because he almost killed me -- he had punch me in the face repeatedly, then knocked me know on the ground, sat on my chest and choked me while beating my head into the floor. The emotional and verbal abuse was just as bad. As a child he told me that the only thing my toy box was good for was killing me, putting my body in it and floating it down the river (I was 4). As a teen he would tell me constantly that I was useless, lazy, cold, etc. I remember him following my mother around the house one day and telling her how he was going to kill her and drink her blood.

My mother finally escaped my father when I was already married and living out of the house - she literally disappeared one day and he was served with divorce papers that same day. I immediately got my sister (who was just starting college) out of the house when I found out because I was terrified that my father would come home and kill her and kill himself. We didn't see my mother for a year - she was so terrified that her attorney set up an 800 number for her which was the only way we could contact her other than sending communication through her attorney.

Please share more about how you felt during the time of the abuse and what happened or changed to help you start taking steps to get out of the situation?

I felt hopeless. I wanted to die (even in grade school I thought the only way out was death). I was angry and depressed all the time. I developed anger issues and would scream and fight with people. I would fight boys in school and liked hurting them. Then when I was older, I wanted to also hurt them emotionally. I didn't trust and married as a teen - to someone I knew I didn't want to be with forever - just to get out of the house. It took so many years to deal with all of the internalized rage. I sabotaged relationships and acted in self destructive ways by dating the wrong men.

When I finally met my now fiance, I did all I could in the beginning to drive him away by picking fights and saying awful things to him. I finally realized that I was driving away and damaging this wonderful and amazing human who truly loved me. I had to dig super deep and even though I always knew the root causes of my anger and depression and bad behavior, I finally took real steps to healing and reprogramming my mind. I had to learn to manage my fight or flight reaction to everything. I started meditation classes at a Buddhist temple. Though I am not a practicing Buddhist, the teachings and meditations have been absolutely life changing. I am happier than I have ever been and my relationship with my fiance is the best it has ever been after 11 years together.

How did other people or resources (friends, family, agencies, non profit organizations, law officials) help you get out of the situation?

Unfortunately no one ever helped me. In high school I missed some mid terms because my father had beaten me so bad I could not go to school for a couple of days. When I did return I had to wear dark glasses and a hat because both of my eyes were black, my lips were busted and my forehead was swollen and green. My friends rallied around me and took me to the science teacher to show her my face and why I missed my mid term. I'll never forget how she gasped, cried out "oh my god" and put her hand over her mouth when they removed my hat and glasses and she saw my face. But she didn't do anything to help. My abuse was never reported.

What is life like now that you have gotten out of the abusive situation? How has it become better?

I've learned that it was not my fault. My past trauma was all I knew and therefore I stayed in a bad marriage and other bad relationships because I thought that was all there was. I've learned now what a truly healthy relationship is and what love really looks like. I've forgiven myself for acting out. I've also forgiven my father to a certain degree because I know that he himself was damaged.

What else would you like to say to any women reading your story who are currently experiencing domestic abuse?

YOU are better than what you are currently experiencing. YOU are worthy of love and respect and happiness.