Laura's Story

Laura (a pseudonym) has experienced abuse in the course of her two marriages.

Can you describe who your abuser was and how the abuse began?

The abuser in both of my stories is my husband. In both marriages the abuse began subtly. My first husband however was way more physically abusive, while my second husband was more manipulative and sexually abusive.

Please share more about your situation, if you are comfortable.

My first husband and I have had no contact over the last 23 years. I recently separated from my second husband after he shot himself in front of me. I have my thoughts as to why he chose this action but he is the only one who knows the real truth.

The self-esteem issues are always the hardest. With my first husband I made plans to pack up and leave while he was at work, however that plan was spoiled and I ended up leaving with a police escort and nothing but my child and a few personal items. With my second husband, I began a process of self growth and slowly began to realize what was happening. In my opinion he has some strong cover narcissistic behaviors which made identifying the abuse much more challenging.

In both of my situations, law enforcement played a pivotal role in helping me understand the severity of my situation. With my first husband there were no other resources available, so I maneuvered the very murky waters on my own, which was challenging. I’m not sure that I ever really processed the abuse, I never really learned what a healthy relationship looked like. With second husband, local nonprofits have provided support that includes counseling services and other resources.

What is life like now that you have gotten out of the abusive situation? How has it become better?

After my first marriage, I waited 20 years to remarry. Again, there were no resources and family violence was labeled as a “personal problem.” I waited 20 years to remarry and after 9 years of marriage I find myself sitting in a position very similar to the one I found myself in the first time. However, I am grateful that this time there are resources available to help me navigate the situation in more healthy and positive manner.

Over the last several weeks I’ve asked myself “how did I get here” more times than I can count. I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer lies in self growth. Learning who I really am, how to set clear healthy boundaries, learning and practicing healthy coping skills and accepting the fact that sometimes it’s better to walk away than trying to find the good in someone.

What else would you like to say to any women reading your story who are currently experiencing domestic abuse?

You didn’t ask for this. You deserve better and it’s not your fault. There are people out there who understand why you are still there and they will be there to help you safety plan and take the steps you want to take to be happy and healthy.