Kim's Story

Kim, 50, Alabama, mom of 3.

Can you describe who your abuser was and how the abuse began?

I met back up with my high school sweetheart. After a divorce, he came in and swept me off my feet! He offered everything to me that I could ever dream of. Financially, emotionally, physically and I finally had security. That’s where the story begins. He had multiple promises of what he could do for me, what he could offer to me. He stated I could stay home and enjoy my life since I have always been the breadwinner my whole life to my family. Then he started taking control over my finances, over my freedom to see my family, asked me to move from my hometown and isolated me from my friends. I didn’t see this as a threat but wow this is making my life so easy. He loves me, he wouldn’t break promises or lie to me.

Can you share more of your story, if you are comfortable?

I started noticing my life was being controlled, started noticing just going to the grocery store having limited amount of money to go or having to bring a receipt home clarifying what I spent. Remarks being made about what I put in my mouth, why I was fat, comments of a mistake I may have made, were continuously being brought up as ‘you owe me because I did this for you.’ I finally left (the 1st time) but I didn’t stop contact with him. I eventually came back and believed things would change, believed he loved me unconditionally and I was number one! And I WAS! I was number one person he could control, my happy, loving marriage certificate became my papers of ownership . . . more and more of things to follow even leaving after 4 more times!

Please share more about how you felt during the time of the abuse and what happened or changed to help you start taking steps to get out of the situation?

My family continuously supported me every time I left or every time I returned- Kim , as long as your happy, you do what you need to do! Then my mother, my father, my children would say you’re not the Kim we know, you don’t spend time with family. I knew this was happening, I knew I was smart, kind and loving daughter and mother, I knew this was not the way love should be! I began to research Narcissistic Abuse, everything started clicking, I didn’t have a clue about the term TRAUMA BONDING. I began to realize that’s what is happening. I was addicted to the chaos, the need to want him to change, the realization no one can love me but him. I finally decided I needed my independence back, I needed to be the KIM everyone knew, happy, bubbly, loving, kind person that I lost! I left for the 6th time. I began researching, I began counseling, I left and deleted and blocked all forms of contact, I started just in a few weeks laughing again, pulling all the negativity out of my mind.

My biggest question for myself and my friends and family was the WHY! Why do I keep going back , why do I allow myself to be treated this way? I was an intelligent, loving and beautiful person and I knew better! After I started just googling, getting into forums and realizing I needed counseling, I want to understand.

What is life like now that you have gotten out of the abusive situation? How has it become better?

My life is getting better every day. I still have my moments but I have a strong and wonderful support system! I ask you to start by researching, googling, baby steps. No one understands the Whys - not even me - and one day I may have an answer but I can only reflect on me! I want to be happy, I want to be a survivor. I am a survivor and you can be too!

What else would you like to say to any women reading your story who are currently experiencing domestic abuse?

Trauma bonding is real, you don’t have to come from a broken home, you don’t have to come from an abusive past! The narcissist thrives off of even the strong, independent woman! Myself and my family started involving themselves in reading and researching narcissistic ways and trauma bonding. Take that first step, reach out to someone who knows what you are going through! You will realize you are not alone!