Ashley's Story

Ashley, 34, South Dakota, 6 kids, works in manufacturing.

Can you describe who your abuser was and how the abuse began?

My ex-husband. It started with yelling and screaming, and then went physical when he accused me of cheating and I wasn’t.

When my ex-husband and I got together I had 2 children from previous relationships. We got pregnant right away. Things were fine in the beginning. After I had our son I had some severe post-partum depression. I never went to a doctor or anything for it. The depression never went away, I just learned to deal with it as time went on. We moved for me, I tried going to school, my depression got worse. Finally, we moved back to the town we previously lived and I got my old job back because we were hurting financially.

Later on, I had kicked him out of the house and was talking to a guy from work. After about 2 weeks I realized I missed my husband and I wanted him to come back. He thought I broke up with him to hook up with this coworker and that I cheated on him. Even though that's not how it went, it is the first time he shoved me. He started saying cheaters get decapitated. He had me write a list and call my mom to tell her how I NEEDED him: for the money, stability, mentally, with kids, everything. He smashed my laptop and started breaking other things in the house. He also broke our door while on a 5-day meth binge.

Can you share more about your story, as much as you are comfortable?

I worked overnights and [one time] he said he left the kids at home. I left work and he was there. When I got in the house, I was trying to get kids ready to leave and he grabbed them out of my arms and shoved me on the couch and threatened to knock me out. He refused to let me go, I had to message my mom and she called the cops. I told him I wanted a divorce and all of a sudden he had these medical issues and I couldn’t leave.

When we finally agreed to divorce, I had a one night stand and got pregnant with twins and didn’t tell him. I was already gone and out of the house and he refused to move forward with the divorce. I had went to talk to him and he shoved me in the bathtub. I left but I was so dizzy I had a hard time driving. He found out when I was about 20 weeks pregnant and he showed up to my work screaming at me. My coworker had to intervene. He followed me to my mom’s house and continued his yelling my mom had heard and came outside and confronted him and he started yelling at her. He told me if I had these babies while we're married still that he'll kill all of us and then himself.

We divorced and I tried to move on. When he found out I had a boyfriend he threatened him and told me how much of a worthless P.O.S. I am and he wished I was dead. He tried getting back together and I told him no. I was aware at this time that I had issues. I had things I needed to figure out for myself to improve me and my kid’s lives. He wrote my kids suicide notes. He called our 2 kids we have together and told them goodbye. I had 2 kids crying and screaming for their dad because he had them believing he was going to kill himself. I gave in and went back (again). I didn't want to be there so I was still seeing that guy I was trying to date before. Well the husband found out about it and punched me in the face and arms and choked me. When he was arrested he told the cops I said I always wanted him to choke me during sex so he was trying it out.

He had a no contact order but he still called and texted and showed up everywhere I was. He was going to have our son (7 at the time) trick me into meeting him somewhere to be alone with me. In 2020 we got back together. I had started looking back in my life and working on getting over things and moving on with my life that when the husband came up and asked for one more shot I gave in. I figured I was the reason that everything happened and since I had no intention of cheating this time and giving it my all that we would actually be ok. No more pregnancies or anything affecting us. It could be normal us. I was shoved in our basement for finding weed. He screamed about beating me. I got up and walked upstairs and he threw me across 2 rooms. Ripped my clothes off me. I had bruises on my chest and back. My mom again had to call the cops for me.

Please share more about how you felt during the time of the abuse and what happened or changed to help you start taking steps to get out of the situation?

I was scared he was going to knock me out with one punch. And when I would wake up I'd be worse than I thought and I'd have no memory of it. He’s a big guy, 6'3 350+ pounds. I was afraid one day it would be worse. The screaming had me flinching. I'd be shaking when he got physical. That time I started working on myself I got to know me more. The year we were together that last time I started seeing myself for what I am. I wasn’t doing wrong when he said I was. I did everything he said. He got everything from me he wanted and more. So the last time he got physical I said no more. I finally, after 10-11 years, stuck with it and got a protection order. Even with us having kids he cannot communicate with me or be within a certain distance of me.

My family has been trying to get me out for years, I've left before numerous times and kept going back because he'd threaten suicide or make all these promises to change and I believed him. Cops around here didn’t do much but offer help from the Beacon Center (for women in abusive situations). They've helped me file protection orders before. But my family and getting the courage to finally see my worth helped me get out this last time.

What is life like now that you have gotten out of the abusive situation? How has it become better?

I’ve been out for 2 weeks and finally got a protection order that I've always been scared of getting. I live with my mom for the time being. I’m working on getting on my feet again and moving forward. I actually feel free, little anxious but definitely happy to be where I am and putting myself first in this situation

What else would you like to say to any women reading your story who are currently experiencing domestic abuse?

Leaving is hard. Saying goodbye is hard. But one day you'll wake up and realize you deserve better. You're so much more than your partner thinks. It doesn’t get better with them. There are places you can get help from and slowly get out without them knowing.