Ariana's Story

Ariana, 23, Maine, cook.

Can you describe who your abuser was and how the abuse began?

I met my abuser when I was 15 and he was 20. My abuser’s father is dating my friend’s mother so that’s how I was introduced to him. We started off as friends but then feelings grew and we got together. In the beginning he was nice to me but then it started from throwing things at me and then it gradually progressed into more.

Please share more about your situation, if you are comfortable.

When I was turning sixteen, I moved in with my abuser at his grandparents. Once the abuse started, he wouldn’t allow me to have my own phone because of his insecurities. If I saw a guy on the tv with his shirt off or anything in that matter, then he would beat me. He would follow me to the bathroom every time I needed to go to make sure I wasn’t doing anything that he didn’t approve of. I wasn’t able to call anyone unless it was on his phone and I missed my mom and my siblings terribly.

He would hit me all the time and I don’t think there was a day in our relationship where he didn’t hit me. He split my head open twice, one with a file cabinet and then one with a tree limb. I have a scar that is on my forehead and a scar that is in the back of my head. He shoved my forehead into a side of a file cabinet and it split and I had to get stitches. With the tree limb, I was walking down the hallway and I felt a force on the back of my head and I turned out to him holding the tree limb. I had to get 12 staples in the back of my head because of how deep and split open it was. One time I looked in his friend’s direction and then when we went to bed that night he jumped up and down on my ribs and it broke a few of them. I always had to lie about why I was hurt when we went to the doctors together so for my ribs I had to take care of it myself, with bandages etc.

I tried to go to high school when I was with him but every time I got home he would accuse me of something and then hit me. He would also put his hands down my pants and put his fingers up me to check if I “had sex” while I was at school. After a while I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore and I couldn’t keep showing up to school with bruises so I dropped out. I didn’t tell anyone because he told me that if I did then he would kill my family so I put up with the abuse and keeping my mouth shut because I didn’t want him to hurt anyone I love. With the things he did to me, I couldn’t imagine what he would do to my family.

I was 19 years old and I finally couldn’t take being sheltered and away from my family anymore so I asked my mom if I could live at home with my abuser. She agreed and we moved in and at first he didn’t hit me but then he started to when my mom wasn’t there. The last time that he abused me he was beating me on my front lawn and pushed me to the ground. He had a knife up to my neck and he told me that he could kill me and nobody would know. I wiggled away and ran as fast as I could to the pond next to my house. I heard a bunch of footsteps and a swat team came running through the woods and picked me up wedding style. I still can hear the “ARE YOU OKAY?” as they checked my body to see what he done to me. It turns out my brother ran to the neighbors and called the police and he was my saving grace in that moment. I don’t have much feeling in my body nowadays because of what I went through so I handle pain a lot better then most people can. My abuser beat me for about 5 years every single day. My love for my family and the hope to get out of the situation was my strength for getting through the beatings.

Please share more about how you felt during the time of the abuse and what happened or changed to help you start taking steps to get out of the situation?

I felt lost and trapped. It was so easy for everyone to ask me “well why didn’t you leave?” I didn’t even feel like I had a choice in leaving because of how much he terrified and manipulated me. I knew that I couldn’t put up with it anymore because if I did then I wouldn’t be alive to type this. If my brother didn’t run to the neighbors and call the cops then I doubt if I would be here right now. I never felt like I got justice from it because he went to jail for three days and for me it just felt like they gave him a smack on the wrist but I wish they would of been able to see the things that he’s done to me. It felt eerie and there was moments where I didn’t know if I was gonna make it out alive. I was a survivor more then I was a teenager and I got my teen years and experiences ripped away from me. I felt so broken.

I didn’t really have anybody but myself. My brother was the only one who tried to save me and he did. I didn’t have help and nobody tried rescuing me otherwise. I had to build a strength of my own to get through it and yes the police got him away from me but it just never felt like I had justice or a support system.

What is life like now that you have gotten out of the abusive situation? How has it become better?

Once I got out of that relationship, I tried going back to high school but they said that I couldn’t graduate because I would age out. I explained my situation to the principal and the teachers and staff was familiar with me so they let me take one year to take whatever high school classes I wanted. They paid for me to go to prom and to just experience normal teenager stuff for the year. It wasn’t with the classmates that I was originally supposed to do those things with but I was glad to at least to be a part of it just once.

I didn’t even know how to talk to people when I first got out of the relationship because I spent so many years with him glueing me to his side. It was probably the hardest transition that I ever felt because I went from a bubbly person that everyone knew to someone that couldn’t even look someone in the eye or go into a store because of how anxious I was. After that year at the high school I went to a trade school and got my GED. I had to take whatever broken pieces I had and shape them into the strong person I am today.

It’s been almost three years since I’ve seen him and I still flinch every time someone passes something to me or if I hear loud noises. Three years later and I’m still trying to un-learn all the toxic behaviors that I gained being with him. I’m focusing on my finances and fixing all the set backs that I got being in that abusive relationship.

At first I felt like I failed and that it was my fault but you can’t blame yourself for the actions of another person. It hurts but you get stronger and after being in that relationship, it’s easy for me to see the signs early in new people that I meet. I’m very guarded and there’s still a lot of trauma that I’m sitting on but for the first time in a long time I’m finally getting to a place where I can move on and be happy.

What else would you like to say to any women reading your story who are currently experiencing domestic abuse?

You will believe that you can’t get away from it but there isn’t enough love or attachment in this world to ever put up with someone abusing you. My advice to you is to get away from it somehow and try harder if you’ve tried already. Don’t waste anymore time because there is some girls who didn’t make it out like me and I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. You’re important and if someone truly loves you then they will never lay their hands on you. Leaving is easier said then done and I get that but you need to do it for you and the right love will find you. Please save you.